Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Soul what? Soul searching... kind of

I've been in bed for two days. Migraine caught me off guard and dragged my sorry ass to the bed. And as I laid in the darkness of my own bedroom and listened to the purring of Smeagol I was taken deep into my own soul.
it's been a long time since my life stood up and made a volta, and as it would not be enough it repeated it shortly afterwards. Ever since life changed the taste, it got somehow different and in some respects even more intense. The feeling of security and unity was removed and there seemed to be nothing one could refer to anymore... but those days are slowly passing by as I'm slowly rebuilding my own self. I do struggle every day with my own paranoias, my fears and lacks. C. always says that life's for living and that the best way of dealing with it is simple rule of "fuck'em"... and believe me or not, but that's what saving my ass lately. Recently everyone keeps on telling me that I have to agree with myself what I want in my life. And what if I do know? but I can't have it? or at least right now I'm not being given a chance to go and verify if that's really what I want?! I'm struggling every day... sitting practically on the suitcase since July and still not being able to be confirmed... and the fears, worries, and paranoias are getting stronger, as every day "kind souls" throw some tiny stones to my garden... I can really deal with plenty - practically with everything, but uncertaintity is killing me... I started to work again on my article and on my thesis. Don't have much time though, but fighting... working weeks in the office and weekends on my stuff, no wonder that my body went on strike and sent me to bed... of course I'm not the only one who is struggling. I watch Tomek fight every day with the situation life put him and his beloved wife, I watch Marti's struggle for love and all other people who stand up and fight for what's important and dear in their lives. And I'm privileged knowing them all and being part of their struggles. My mom keeps on telling me - c'mon your situation is not the worst, could be worse and I know she's right, but for me... for my bloody standerds I start to feel caged by all the misery... maybe it's autumn in Warsaw, maybe everything together... dunno... I crave a break, I crave a change of decorations even if for a weekend...
on the other hand I was pretty blessed with new online friendship. I met fantastic people, whose stories, care and support make my days. I started new customs like plenty of video chats with friends - old and new... that's how I'm less lonely... at least right now... but I know what my life's craving for and I do hope to finally give it a real try. But there are moments when I want to give up, when I'm not sure where am I going and if I'm not accidentally cursed... I hate seeing things in dark colours, I'm sick and tired of fears and all the crap... Yes tonight I'm weak and honest, as honest as it gets. Blame the whole day in bed and the overwhelming melancholy of sadness... need to get a grip...
Don't want you to think that I'm only pathetic today, so here's a whimsical picture taken by Tomek, as we celebrated his birthday last week. I was an ersatz, that's obvious, but we had tons of fun anyway... and if me being ersatz allowed him to breathe in deeply, then I'm happy... Now I'm only waiting to breathe in deeply myself... time for the wheel to turn for me!

Have a good one!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Heaven's A Lie

That's the name of my favourite song by Lacuna Coil, which got stuck in my head when the old images started to reappear in my mind. Back in year 2k, just before Kasia and Piotrek got married, I had this thrilling idea for a photoshooting of an angel lost in Warsaw. But then timing somehow was off and we didn't have really either time nor possibilities to make this dream real. And about two weeks ago the idea came back to me and started to bug me really badly, and I knew that this time I had to make it real, I had to make sure that those images will finally get freed from my mind. So I called Tomek and he liked the idea :D We arranged the date and I bought the wings and discussed both with J. and C. the idea, I was very pleased to get so much support from both of them. By the way C., you were right - black wings were the right choice ;)
Two days before the shooting I was talking to a friend of mine and he paid me a very corny and very sweet compliement: "When I look at your pics, I think that all you're lacking are angel wings", and I started to laugh and said: "hmmm, this is doable! They should come today in the mail" ;) And damn, they had... so am I now completed? LOL

On friday I woke up to discover that outside it was a beautiful, warm autumn day. The sky was blue and the sun was shining brightly. I put my newest corset and took the rests of my gothic gear with me and headed out to meet Tomek. We met in our usual spot in Warsaw, and as we were drinking coffee on the wall next to Palace of Culture and Tomek was lacing my tighter in my corset, we agreeded that eventhough the original location of the photoshooting was Park Saski, Palace of Culture is a tremendus spot as well. We finished our coffees and just started our session there ;)

I must say that pretty quickly I became quite a sensation there. The tourists, for whom this spot is one of the must-sees in Warsaw, were staring with their mouths opened and many didn't hesitate to take pics of the unusual sight. It felt quite amusing, I must admit, and I enjoyed every single moment of this experiece. As you can imagine it's rather flattering to be descibed as "a lovely angel".

It was of course obvious that this popularity was caused by the tight laced corset and siren skirt ;) After good 2 hours of shooting under the Palace of Culture we walked towards Park Saski, but as well had to pop to the photographic shop, as we were short on film. We took another pics in the park and then head out to the Piłusdski's Square.

I am very pleased with how the pics turned out, at least those few shots we took on digital camera. Tomek has the amazing eye for the structure and light. And I really like the way he sees me through the lense. The pics at Palace of Culture have the delicious grain of almost expresionist imaignary - they are dark and intense, somehow almost moist in the symbolics. They are much more graphical, like drawned with a sharper lines and darker ink. They remind of of old paintings, or the shots from German expresioniost movies - like from "Symphonie des Grauens" or "Metropolis". They are tensly surreal and in a way disturbing. Tomek noticed that on those I remind him of Marlene Dietrich... ;) On the other hand the pics taken on Piłsudski's Square resemble much more a drawing from the graphical novel. They are somehow lighter in meaning, more playfull. I'm imaptiently looking forward to see all pics, but I know that it will take a while until Tomek will have time to develope the negatives and then to scan them for me ( Tomek took in total around 100 pics!). But I feel very blessed by having such amazing friend, who made my dream real. Thank you Tomcio, you're the best!

On the darker side of the whole story, it was a first time ever when I was tight laced in the the corset for several hours - I left home around 10 am and returned around 7pm ;) and I paid a high price for being tight laced - a friendly migraine kicked in. I would have never expected that modeling is would be so exhausting, but at the same time so intensively inspiring experience. And as I soaked in the bath and talked to a friend, I shared with him my experience... and he said: "why do you wear corset? You aren't fat..." and that made me giggle so badly that I managed to splash water around like a happy seal... Took me a while to explain that to him, so do tell D. do you know now why? LOL

to see more pics from the session, please visit my FACEBOOK ALBUM
And do tell me what you reckon!
Have a good one!