Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Soul what? Soul searching... kind of

I've been in bed for two days. Migraine caught me off guard and dragged my sorry ass to the bed. And as I laid in the darkness of my own bedroom and listened to the purring of Smeagol I was taken deep into my own soul.
it's been a long time since my life stood up and made a volta, and as it would not be enough it repeated it shortly afterwards. Ever since life changed the taste, it got somehow different and in some respects even more intense. The feeling of security and unity was removed and there seemed to be nothing one could refer to anymore... but those days are slowly passing by as I'm slowly rebuilding my own self. I do struggle every day with my own paranoias, my fears and lacks. C. always says that life's for living and that the best way of dealing with it is simple rule of "fuck'em"... and believe me or not, but that's what saving my ass lately. Recently everyone keeps on telling me that I have to agree with myself what I want in my life. And what if I do know? but I can't have it? or at least right now I'm not being given a chance to go and verify if that's really what I want?! I'm struggling every day... sitting practically on the suitcase since July and still not being able to be confirmed... and the fears, worries, and paranoias are getting stronger, as every day "kind souls" throw some tiny stones to my garden... I can really deal with plenty - practically with everything, but uncertaintity is killing me... I started to work again on my article and on my thesis. Don't have much time though, but fighting... working weeks in the office and weekends on my stuff, no wonder that my body went on strike and sent me to bed... of course I'm not the only one who is struggling. I watch Tomek fight every day with the situation life put him and his beloved wife, I watch Marti's struggle for love and all other people who stand up and fight for what's important and dear in their lives. And I'm privileged knowing them all and being part of their struggles. My mom keeps on telling me - c'mon your situation is not the worst, could be worse and I know she's right, but for me... for my bloody standerds I start to feel caged by all the misery... maybe it's autumn in Warsaw, maybe everything together... dunno... I crave a break, I crave a change of decorations even if for a weekend...
on the other hand I was pretty blessed with new online friendship. I met fantastic people, whose stories, care and support make my days. I started new customs like plenty of video chats with friends - old and new... that's how I'm less lonely... at least right now... but I know what my life's craving for and I do hope to finally give it a real try. But there are moments when I want to give up, when I'm not sure where am I going and if I'm not accidentally cursed... I hate seeing things in dark colours, I'm sick and tired of fears and all the crap... Yes tonight I'm weak and honest, as honest as it gets. Blame the whole day in bed and the overwhelming melancholy of sadness... need to get a grip...
Don't want you to think that I'm only pathetic today, so here's a whimsical picture taken by Tomek, as we celebrated his birthday last week. I was an ersatz, that's obvious, but we had tons of fun anyway... and if me being ersatz allowed him to breathe in deeply, then I'm happy... Now I'm only waiting to breathe in deeply myself... time for the wheel to turn for me!

Have a good one!